Back to 1511 with disabled Windows update service. If it'll let me install the correct version of old drivers. Or else dual boot a newer version with Linux and use Wine. Crazy what complications can arise from having too good CPU :/
Edit: 1511 with dowloading the basic drivers through update (the exct same driver downloaded manually won't install, go figure) and then promptly disabling it works for now. I'll see how not having the updates affects other work on this computer. Not cool, MS, no cool. In fact, totally shitty, but nothing new.